The Alliance of Black People to Stop White Folks From Doing Insulting Stuff

Okay, so I came across this on Facebook, and my mouth dropped. Then I shook my head. They're at it again. My first thought was "who signed off on this shit?!" Like seriously, you know they went to some poor person of color (like that one person represents what ALL of us think) and said "so what do you think of us making a video where we try to bring black people into our  church?" And that person probably gave some kind of half-assed shrug like "whatever" (you know how we do when we don't want to be bothered) and they took that to me that this is an effective tool to reach black youth.

This was the final straw and I think its about time that we band together to train white people, or at least stop them in their tracks from doing this kind of mess. Now while I've heard that this particular fuckery is fake (please GOD, let it be fake) it still stands that white people oftentimes mean the best, but have a tendency to do and say some truly offensive things, all while claiming they didn't know better.

While I think its safe to say that most offensive acts are innocent in intention, its the manner of the carrying out that seems to cause most of us to shake our heads. To be fair, white people aren't black. (Thank my distinguished college degree for coming to that intellectual observation.) They weren't raised with the Sugar Hill Gang, block parties, Jheri curls, NWA, the East Coast/West Coast rivalry, and P. Diddy. While they were fortunate enough to miss the shiny suit phase of hip hop, they instead had to watch it from afar.

Still, they aren't us, they don't know our struggle. They don't know what makes us tick. They don't understand walking into a convenience store and being looked at sideways as you pick up and examine items. They don't know the pressure of being the only minority in an all white work place and trying your damnedest not to roll your eyes and smack your teeth at the subtle and borderline (or overt) racist sentiments you hear. Some of them are well-intentioned and have good hearts, they simply don't know how to communicate with you. 

(there are easier ways to relate to us)

(although the work on those braids is quite impressive)

They may ask you insane questions ("May I touch your hair?" "No"),  make general statements ("So, are you excited about the new season of 'Love & Hip Hop'?" "No") , or make pretty stupid assumptions about you ("Are you a fan of the rapper Lil' Wayne?" "No"), but a lot of times, they are simply reaching out the best way they know how. Its nothing personal. Quite the opposite. Its completely possible for a white person in this country to not really know any blacks. At only 13% of the population, we stay in concentrated pockets throughout the country. I couldn't point out North Dakota on a map if my life depended on it, and I have absolutely no desire to be able to do so. Any place that I am unlikely to find at least one good Jamaican restaurant serves absolutely no purpose in my world. But imagine how many people in North Dakota have had exposure to black culture growing up. So those lucky enough to get the hell of there, end up in major cities where they suddenly share space with blacks. Many have no ill-will toward blacks (the hopeful me wants to say that most don't), they simply don't know what to say or how to act.

The crazy thing about being the only black person among a group of all whites is that you're automatically expected to be the go-to person for all things hip. For someone as awkward as myself, that can serve as a problem. We're not all Ice Cube from Boyz In the Hood, nor are we all Al Roker. Most of us fall somewhere dead smack in the middle and kind of resent being automatically labeled  as super safe or on the opposite end, Chris Brown.

 However most whites that grew up with MTV and Hollywood don't know that, and therefore have no idea of what we like and don't like. In their attempts to be "cool" and "down" they end up looking pretty damn stupid.

I'm saying all of this to say that's its high time that black people band together to form a group to sign off on stuff white people want to do that in any way reaches out us or references us. I've decided that we should name our solution the Alliance of Black People to Stop White Folks From Doing Insulting Stuff (title working, but I think it may stick).

To be fair, it'll be a group of diverse black people. They will be paid for their time by taxing the shit out white people for- well, for being white and for making the alliance necessary in the first place. We'll have members like Akbar, the Hebrew Israelite brotha that shouts for seemingly no reason at all about the trials of blacks globally, Shanterianna, the chick with the long brightly colored fingernails that look like monkey claws who has no time for your (or anyone else's) mess, Ed, your typical educated black guy, Shannon, our educated black woman, Ms. Johnson, our 87-year-old house mother that catches the holy ghost and falls out at absolutely every church function, Randal, your 60-year-old mechanic that can reassemble your whole transmission with nothing more than a stick of glue and a screwdriver (it may take him 4 years, but you will eventually get your car back) and HyKeem, the best damn spades player you've ever seen. If you're white and you know nothing about spades, trust me, don't worry about it, just believe me when I tell you that a man that throw down on spades is a man to be admired.

Anyway, this team will be assembled to deal with all pressing questions about things that will be tolerated to the black community. If you've ever wondered when and where things are acceptable, just ask.

White people: Can I wear black face in the case of-

ABPSWFFDIS: No.

White people: But-

ABPSWFFDIS: NO!

White people: Can I say the n-word?

ABPSWFFDIS: Only if you want to get choked out in front of your wife and kids.

White people: Can I say the n-word if I have a black wife or husband?

ABPSWFFDIS: Why would you want to say it since you do have a black wife or husband? So to answer it, NO.

White people: But I've got black friends too!

ABPSWFFDIS: Would you say it in front of them? No? Because you know its a bad idea, now stop asking.

White people: Wouldn't you say racism is over?
ABPSWFFDIS: Until the races represented in both prison and colleges closely resemble the racial makeup in this country, nope, its still alive and kicking.

White people: So I still can't say the n-word?

ABPSWFFDIS: What did I say the first time?

White people: And still no black face make up even if-

ABPSWFFDIS: I swear to God, if I stand up, you're going to regret it...

So there it is, my solution to stop poorly planned attempts by white people to reach out to us. Because anything is better than rapping and asking us about the Real Housewives of Atlanta.