I'll admit to being slow about developing an actual opinion about the Facebook ramblings about the white chick with the bad tan and even worse perm. I saw in passing that she led her local NAACP chapter and I commended her for being a part of an organization with a history for helping blacks (although truth be told, I'm pretty sure they're down to only 12 national members and they only show up to meetings for the cookies and punch).
I even gave her a slight pass because at least she seemed to be part of organizing for black America, more than many people I know. But then she did an interview that gave proper perspective. Her ruse wasn't about helping black America, it was about wanting to be a victim. I mean, I guess living as a blonde white woman in America had to be extremely difficult for her. We all know that white women are the most discriminated against and least protected group in society. So to feel safe, she needed to side up with the darkies, denounce being white, and even claim to potentially have no biological connection to her parents based on lack of a DNA test to prove paternity.
Not sure about other blacks, but this black person (although honestly, I'm not sure if I'm black because I have yet to swab either of my parents and when I tried, I was reminded of the restraining order and asked to stand back 200 feet) ain't hearing mess from Rachel. White people make more money, have better credit, get their asses beat by police less, and live in bigger houses. But to be fair, our Thanksgiving dinners taste way better, we dance better, are better at most sports, have better hair stylists (hey Shondrika!!!) so I can almost understand her wanting to align with us. But here is where I drop the gavel.
There, I said it. Being black is fun and the struggles of it are ingrained into what make us great as a culture. So it's kind of jacked up that the pale blonde chick decided to infiltrate. Most black people have at least one cool ass white friend. She could have easily been the girl we all referred to as Snowflake in high school. She's the white girl with biracial kids, whose names are all extremely ethnic. Like Tyrone, Hasaan and Jakari. And there's a strong chance she's married to a guy named Lamont who has bad credit. And despite being a walking cliche', she's still your cool ass white home girl.
But Rachel lost her ability to be the Salt to our Pepa when asked about the allegations, she took the time to announce that she's bisexual. And I'll tell you why- it's irrelevant. Is she bi? I doubt it. But here's the thing. I don't care either. She could be screwing a species of endangered ducks when she gets home, it has nothing to do with her lying and perpetrating to earn a seat at the table of black America. Her interview was the time to acknowledge wrongdoing, but instead she made it worse by thinking that a drunken kiss with her drunk female bestie in college (yet another cliche' for the cool ass white girl) made it all okay. And it didn't.
In the words of Paul Mooney, "Everybody wants to be a nigga until it's time to be a nigga." And I want Rachel Dolezal know that her black card has been pulled and revoked.
Okay, so I came across this on Facebook, and my mouth dropped. Then I shook my head. They're at it again. My first thought was "who signed off on this shit?!" Like seriously, you know they went to some poor person of color (like that one person represents what ALL of us think) and said "so what do you think of us making a video where we try to bring black people into our church?" And that person probably gave some kind of half-assed shrug like "whatever" (you know how we do when we don't want to be bothered) and they took that to me that this is an effective tool to reach black youth.
This was the final straw and I think its about time that we band together to train white people, or at least stop them in their tracks from doing this kind of mess. Now while I've heard that this particular fuckery is fake (please GOD, let it be fake) it still stands that white people oftentimes mean the best, but have a tendency to do and say some truly offensive things, all while claiming they didn't know better.
While I think its safe to say that most offensive acts are innocent in intention, its the manner of the carrying out that seems to cause most of us to shake our heads. To be fair, white people aren't black. (Thank my distinguished college degree for coming to that intellectual observation.) They weren't raised with the Sugar Hill Gang, block parties, Jheri curls, NWA, the East Coast/West Coast rivalry, and P. Diddy. While they were fortunate enough to miss the shiny suit phase of hip hop, they instead had to watch it from afar.
Still, they aren't us, they don't know our struggle. They don't know what makes us tick. They don't understand walking into a convenience store and being looked at sideways as you pick up and examine items. They don't know the pressure of being the only minority in an all white work place and trying your damnedest not to roll your eyes and smack your teeth at the subtle and borderline (or overt) racist sentiments you hear. Some of them are well-intentioned and have good hearts, they simply don't know how to communicate with you.
(there are easier ways to relate to us)
(although the work on those braids is quite impressive)
They may ask you insane questions ("May I touch your hair?" "No"), make general statements ("So, are you excited about the new season of 'Love & Hip Hop'?" "No") , or make pretty stupid assumptions about you ("Are you a fan of the rapper Lil' Wayne?" "No"), but a lot of times, they are simply reaching out the best way they know how. Its nothing personal. Quite the opposite. Its completely possible for a white person in this country to not really know any blacks. At only 13% of the population, we stay in concentrated pockets throughout the country. I couldn't point out North Dakota on a map if my life depended on it, and I have absolutely no desire to be able to do so. Any place that I am unlikely to find at least one good Jamaican restaurant serves absolutely no purpose in my world. But imagine how many people in North Dakota have had exposure to black culture growing up. So those lucky enough to get the hell of there, end up in major cities where they suddenly share space with blacks. Many have no ill-will toward blacks (the hopeful me wants to say that most don't), they simply don't know what to say or how to act.
The crazy thing about being the only black person among a group of all whites is that you're automatically expected to be the go-to person for all things hip. For someone as awkward as myself, that can serve as a problem. We're not all Ice Cube from Boyz In the Hood, nor are we all Al Roker. Most of us fall somewhere dead smack in the middle and kind of resent being automatically labeled as super safe or on the opposite end, Chris Brown.
However most whites that grew up with MTV and Hollywood don't know that, and therefore have no idea of what we like and don't like. In their attempts to be "cool" and "down" they end up looking pretty damn stupid.
I'm saying all of this to say that's its high time that black people band together to form a group to sign off on stuff white people want to do that in any way reaches out us or references us. I've decided that we should name our solution the Alliance of Black People to Stop White Folks From Doing Insulting Stuff (title working, but I think it may stick).
To be fair, it'll be a group of diverse black people. They will be paid for their time by taxing the shit out white people for- well, for being white and for making the alliance necessary in the first place. We'll have members like Akbar, the Hebrew Israelite brotha that shouts for seemingly no reason at all about the trials of blacks globally, Shanterianna, the chick with the long brightly colored fingernails that look like monkey claws who has no time for your (or anyone else's) mess, Ed, your typical educated black guy, Shannon, our educated black woman, Ms. Johnson, our 87-year-old house mother that catches the holy ghost and falls out at absolutely every church function, Randal, your 60-year-old mechanic that can reassemble your whole transmission with nothing more than a stick of glue and a screwdriver (it may take him 4 years, but you will eventually get your car back) and HyKeem, the best damn spades player you've ever seen. If you're white and you know nothing about spades, trust me, don't worry about it, just believe me when I tell you that a man that throw down on spades is a man to be admired.
Anyway, this team will be assembled to deal with all pressing questions about things that will be tolerated to the black community. If you've ever wondered when and where things are acceptable, just ask.
White people: Can I wear black face in the case of-
ABPSWFFDIS: No.
White people: But-
ABPSWFFDIS: NO!
White people: Can I say the n-word?
ABPSWFFDIS: Only if you want to get choked out in front of your wife and kids.
White people: Can I say the n-word if I have a black wife or husband?
ABPSWFFDIS: Why would you want to say it since you do have a black wife or husband? So to answer it, NO.
White people: But I've got black friends too!
ABPSWFFDIS: Would you say it in front of them? No? Because you know its a bad idea, now stop asking.
White people: Wouldn't you say racism is over? ABPSWFFDIS: Until the races represented in both prison and colleges closely resemble the racial makeup in this country, nope, its still alive and kicking.
White people: So I still can't say the n-word?
ABPSWFFDIS: What did I say the first time?
White people: And still no black face make up even if-
ABPSWFFDIS: I swear to God, if I stand up, you're going to regret it...
So there it is, my solution to stop poorly planned attempts by white people to reach out to us. Because anything is better than rapping and asking us about the Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Okay, so no, R. Kelly's PR person didn't commit suicide (that I'm aware of), but I'm pretty sure that where ever he or she is, they've pretty much changed R. Kelly's Twitter password so he can no longer embarrass himself. As the title suggested, R. Kelly recently took to Twitter to announce an #AskRkelly hashtag and black Twitter took to it to do what black Twitter does; humiliate people and annihilate happiness. Don't get me wrong now, I love (plain) Twitter as a voice and as a vehicle, but let's keep it 100 here, black Twitter is the work of the DEVIL. For those unaware of black Twitter, it is pretty much the most sarcastic brown people on Twitter that occasionally come together to clown someone. The public can be a fickle thing in terms of who they choose to celebrate and forgive, and while R. Kelly has been able to somewhat hold his head high after that whole "peeing on prepubescent girls" thing he appears to like to do, apparently black Twitter (nor has much of America) been nearly as forgiving. I have to admit, the whole thing bugged me. No matter how you slice it, he's a pedophile and making good music will never change that. Him allowing the public to ask him questions suggested that he believes his major sin (and obvious predilection for girls old enough to still require afternoon naps) has or should have been forgotten. But I'm quite proud of black Twitter because not only were they smart enough to drag him to hell and back for being a pied pisser and his undeniable attraction to female zygotes, they also made sure to mention his inability to formulate proper sentences and his desire to dress like a homeless 14-year-old. Here is a sample of some of the brutal and beautiful humor that black Twitter has to offer:
So @rkelly only answered 16 questions, the perv really cannot do anything over 18 #AskRkelly Robert Kelly can't even read your questions, Twitter. They all look like a series of Wingdings to him. Do you keep the fridge stocked with Lunchables just in case "company" comes over? #AskRKelly #AskRKelly Is it true you refuse
going to any McDonald’s that doesn’t have a PlayPlace inside it? When you said that she reminded you of your Jeep, was it a Power Wheel? #AskRkelly
Were you
trapped in the closet because her parents came in the room? #AskRKelly
What is your mind and body telling you now? #AskRKelly is it saying "I'm too old for this shit?"
#AskRKelly
So do you plan a special candlit afternoon on Early Relase day?
#AskRKelly
Why do you dress like a teenager? Is it to… Nevermind
#AskRKelly
Is your shower gold-plated? wait... I mean do- Is your shower golden? like, I
guess I'm trying to say, do you like golden showers?
#AskRKelly how does it feel to be banned from PTA meetings?
Why
didn't you name the album Black Pampers? #AskRkellly
And my all time favorite-
If you
and @Fantasia had a spelling bee… whose head would explode first, #Rkelly?
#AskRKellly
So there you have it folks, and believe me, there are hundreds more to choose from. Hopefully from this whole debacle, R. Kelly will learn to leave the typing to the professionals and leave the women he lusts after in the Nick Jr. Chat rooms where they belong.
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